Friday, 17 July 2009

If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky

I always wanted to have a blog, but I was never motivated enough to do it. So, maybe this will help.

The future scares me. I'm scared that I'll never fall in love again. In my four years of high school, I've been in two serious relationships. You'd think that that somehow they would be different, but the exact same thing happened both times. It's so strange how things panned out the way they did. both of them started out just fine and then about a year in they went after their ex-girlfriends. After that, we were one of those "on and off" couples. The ones that everyone pretends to understand, and acts like they know exactly how you feel when your talking about your problems. But really, you can tell deep down in their eyes that everything your saying is just scaring them into thinking that love is horrible and makes them want to be single. Unless of coarse you're speaking to someone who is actually in an "on and off" relationship, and they can actually relate. And one of the "offs" both of you try your hardest to move on, and then end up hurting a lot of people and losing a lot of your friends, because they can't decide if they should be friends with you, or him. And if you listen to him whine and complain enough you start to think it's all my fault, and that this "on and off" business is ALL my doing. Well, if you listen to my side of the story for at least five minutes, you'd know it wasn't all me. Anyways, we slowly fall apart and then one of us moves away. I believe it's quite strange to have happened twice? To think it could be me? Possibly cause a bad mixture of unfortunate events [I.E: depression, psycho cousin moved in with us-which only happened the 2nd relationship-, he started talking to his ex-girlfriend as more than a friend, built up disagreements...etc.] He hatefully told me that if it happens a third time, "We know what the problem is." Total confidence killer. And apparently he's happily moving on and trying to move in with Miss Ex-girlfriend who cheated on him numerous times and left him stranded[well, with his parents..] in an airport in South Carolina, because they apparently had no problems. Hmm, I say "Good luck with that." Maybe she seemingly realized she would have cheated on her "killer" boyfriend if she'd have met up with him. Who knows, maybe her boyfriend just talked some sense into her. Anyways, life without him has honestly been pretty relaxing. But, just the thought of him, or the bringing up of his name causes my chest to sick into my tummy.

I'm scared to move. All Alone. I'm scared I won't meet anyone like me at my new school. People in Georgia are...quite different. They have a really good music scene there, but only in ATL now, so I've heard.

I've come to find that surrounding myself with positive people and listening to dance music causes me to have overwhelming joy. But I have a tenancy to sit around and dwell in my sadness, stay home alone, and listen to sad music. So obviously, I need to change that. And I'm working on it.

I actually hung out with Bethany yesterday with My brother and sister, and it was fun. We saw a movie, Ghost of Girlfriends past...I actually learned a lot from it. I don't think I'm going to date for a while. I mean, if I'm blogging about my past relationship, clearly, I'm not over it.
I think I'm going to start going to church more again. I went as much as I could, but it's so inconvenient for everyone to drive me on a Sunday. But I'm going to try going on Thursdays again...Until I leave anyways. I need it more than ever right now.


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