Thursday, 30 July 2009


I thought for a second I wasn't going to be able to see my muffins! Kelly and Todd. BUT, everything is fixed now:] I have to leave the 10th now though. To London, DC, ATL, Peachtree City, Valdosta, WARTOWN:D then back to Valdosta. But it's alright, as long as I get there. I'm happy.

I just received the list of things I should bring when I get to VSU. I can't bring half the stuff cause I will only have a we have to buy it all when we get there. I have to get a lot of stuff sent to me too. I am so excited:D everyone there looks so old though. I think it might just be seniors in the pictures though. I hope. I feel like I look like a kid compared to them. I'm excited I get to see family too. I haven't seen them in just as long. Wow, I'm still shocked I'm going back. I've changed a lot.

I think Georgia just makes me happier:]


I am soooo excited to go to Georgia and see Kelly and Todd. I miss them both so much. I know I'm going to miss it here but, I'm coming back next summer:]
This summer has been good.
I had an amazing time here, even if the person I mostly spent my time here with doesn't want to even talk to me anymore.
it's okay though, we all make some bad decisions in our lives. I really loved it here, as much as I complained about the weather.
But, it's time to move on.
I am so ready.

I just watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There's hope for me<3
One of things I'm most excited about now is being able to find someone new.
Hopefully it won't be like before when I tried moving on;
"like trying on a new pair of shoes that you really want but they just don't fit"
I'm sure I'll find someone who fits:]
instead of running back to what used to make me happy.

I'm ready.
I'm ready so don't stop oh oh oh oh OH oh...
haha, Jack's Mannequin.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009


I just posted the previous post.
but I always feel so good after I write everything down.
SO I thought maybe I should type up a post that is a happy one.

I am so happy that Bethany and I are friends. She helps me through so much and I am so thankful to have her in my life. I think we both had a lot of maturing to do. I feel like I'm losing a lot of my old friends while I am gaining so many. I feel like I don't get to see the ones I thought it would get to see the most. It's okay though. I am happy with the way things are going in my life right now. I wish guys didn't screw over Juliana all the time, she is amazing and she deserves someone just as amazing:] I am excited for this weekend. I get to hang out with Karissa and then Juliana:]
I am happy I am moving though, in fact, SO happy. I'm kinda mad I won't have a car but I'm sure I can bum rides off people. I am glad I get to come back one last time though, next summer. My dad retires on his birthday, so I will get to see all my friends again. I am so excited to see Kelly:] I don't think I could even describe how happy I am. I'm kind of afraid everything will be so different, that I won't be able to recognize. I think I'll be fine though, I am so ready for change.
So, since Italy, my Ipod is shit. so I've have to convert all kinds of music from my home computer to my laptop using a zip drive...but it has let me discover lots of music that I illegally downloaded and not payed any attention to. I am enjoying it thoroughly. ha. I feel so much better. I just want to give someone a huge hug. :]

The Choice

So, it was either;
stay and be continually reminded of the things I've done wrong so that I would never do it again, while he is off with other girls and I'm just patiently waiting on him to be done so that I know how it feels. Which I find quite strange, why would you do the same thing that hurt you the most, to someone else? OR Leave, and find someone new, start over.

I do care a lot about him. But I also don't need that. I can't really say what I am deserving of. But I will not let myself be miserable. Yes, I made a mistake, A huge one, I have realized the consequences. But he made a huge mistake too, by making me choose. I think so anyways.

I chose leaving. I think I made the right decision. I'm not going to live a life of regret of something I did when I was single. Something that I wish every day that I could take back. He will maybe realize one day how much I do wish he wouldn't have done that.

I do hope that he finds someone nice, beautiful and that makes him happy. I've seen him when he is happy, and it's nice. I do hope he does. Even if that means I'm not the one making him happy.

I'm ready to move on...I think.
Maybe with time, but I am moving in a week.
shouldn't be too hard, right?

Tuesday, 28 July 2009


What is wrong with guys lately?
What is wrong with me lately?
I hate that he's saying he loves me but is basically telling me he's gonna be with other girls while he's gone. And he expects me to do the same with the guys in Georgia. Like, we are together, but he's like hey, feel free to cheat on me because I can't wait to have sex so I'll probably be doing the same? wtf. uhg. He knows how much that hurt him when I did it, why would he go and do it?

I was talking to Juliana and she asked me why she still wants someone after they've hurt her so badly. I didn't even know how to answer. why is that?:[ Why is it that I have to fight for someone so hard, because I messed up ONCE when I wasn't even dating him, and he's hurt me numerous times and I've taken him back...Of coarse I lied to him while I was dating him, but that was because I was truly afraid to tell him. I realize what I did was horrible but I hate it because he makes it sounds like he has never done anything to me. He continues, even to this day, to say that he wishes I would've told him sooner so that he could be over be by now.:/ That makes it sound like he doesn't want me. And he told me he doesn't want me to be over him. I AM SO CONFUSED. Maybe it's just his craving. He wants me to want him even if he doesn't want me. I told him why I still loved him. All he said was thank you? How do I know if he even really loves me anymore...I feel like I'm the only one trying in this.

blah. I let everything get to me.
I need to stop.
because it only makes me feel worse.
this whole situation is just a confidence killer.

don't like the gross face I'm making stop you from clicking play...

That's Juliana and I. It took us 5 hours to film and edit this. It's completely random..enjoy.

So, I went to church. And idk. It makes me mad, it's almost like they're trying to scare you into believing. I'm like:/ what? I don't really like going anymore. I can believe in God and not go to church. The only thing I'm afraid of is becoming distant. I don't really understand their methods of "outreach" either....let's do a bunch of obstacles and races and bring your friends who don't come to church usually, because it'll make them want to come...?uhm. what does it have to do with church. Club games are too violent anyways. meeh.

I'm finally moving here shortly. 11 MORE DAYS. I'm sad but excited. England doesn't seem like my place anymore. I am so ready for change. I am so ready for new friends, and to get out of here. I will miss England A LOT, I know I will. but I'm ready to move on with my life.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009


So I talked to him.
Apparently Raven is telling people I'm pregnant? I am definitely not. Of coarse it's probably one of her failed stunts to create attention. Although, maybe she will realize one day, it's only creating negative attention. Bloo needed to know the truth after he heard about that. I thought maybe he would have something more to say. Turns out he did; More rubbing it in my face of things I've done wrong. I think maybe he finally realized how bad I feel about it, and how miserable I have been since he's left. He said he had to go, and that he'd be back in a second. That second has turned into two days. I don't blame him, although Goober is on the same time frame, I talk to him all the time, but Bloo doesn't have his own computer. I feel like he might have been the one. That almost sounds crazy, in fact I know it does. But I'm still having trouble picturing myself without him. I guess it's my fault. It's both of our faults. I don't even know how I'm coping now. Everyday just gets harder and harder. I'm sure I'll be fine eventually. Who knows what the future holds for me.

On the bright, yet, dim side I've had some quite lovely evenings lately. Getting my mind off things is easily done when I'm with my friends. In fact, when I'm with people I barely know also. I'm not as shy anymore, and that makes me happy. What I'm afraid of, is what happened when I moved here, to happen when I move to Georgia. I turned into a completely different person, I was so shy all the time and I was so quiet. I think the amount of curious people caused me to feel overwhelmed.

I am so annoyed with guys hitting on me. Can we not just be friends, PLEASE?! Don't complain because I turned you down, I'm not going to date you or even try to get to know you like that if I'm clearly not over my ex. Not again, I can't. I'm not even ready for anything like that.

Speaking of ex's, my ex from Georgia?.... is trying to get me to hang out with him so we can catch up. Uhmm, not thinking that's a good idea at all.

hm. I wish things were different.

Sunday, 19 July 2009


Someone finally gave me good advice.
I feel good.
I'm not going to keep dwelling on the past, and waiting for something to happen that wont.
I will be happy again.
I will.
I think I'm going to go to church on Thursday.

Saturday, 18 July 2009

There is

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where i laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there someone out there who feels just like me
There is
Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that There's someone out there who feels just like me
There is
Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is.

that almost explains it exactly.

I went to Juliana's with Candace also.
It was really fun, and I easily took my mind off of things.
by doing this:

I hate the way Mitchell Davis looks like now.
I'm in a very awkward mood today.
I worked out for the first time In forever.
I didn't realize how often my mother gossips till today.
Dear, PostSecret...hurry up and be Sunday, already.

Friday, 17 July 2009

If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky

I always wanted to have a blog, but I was never motivated enough to do it. So, maybe this will help.

The future scares me. I'm scared that I'll never fall in love again. In my four years of high school, I've been in two serious relationships. You'd think that that somehow they would be different, but the exact same thing happened both times. It's so strange how things panned out the way they did. both of them started out just fine and then about a year in they went after their ex-girlfriends. After that, we were one of those "on and off" couples. The ones that everyone pretends to understand, and acts like they know exactly how you feel when your talking about your problems. But really, you can tell deep down in their eyes that everything your saying is just scaring them into thinking that love is horrible and makes them want to be single. Unless of coarse you're speaking to someone who is actually in an "on and off" relationship, and they can actually relate. And one of the "offs" both of you try your hardest to move on, and then end up hurting a lot of people and losing a lot of your friends, because they can't decide if they should be friends with you, or him. And if you listen to him whine and complain enough you start to think it's all my fault, and that this "on and off" business is ALL my doing. Well, if you listen to my side of the story for at least five minutes, you'd know it wasn't all me. Anyways, we slowly fall apart and then one of us moves away. I believe it's quite strange to have happened twice? To think it could be me? Possibly cause a bad mixture of unfortunate events [I.E: depression, psycho cousin moved in with us-which only happened the 2nd relationship-, he started talking to his ex-girlfriend as more than a friend, built up disagreements...etc.] He hatefully told me that if it happens a third time, "We know what the problem is." Total confidence killer. And apparently he's happily moving on and trying to move in with Miss Ex-girlfriend who cheated on him numerous times and left him stranded[well, with his parents..] in an airport in South Carolina, because they apparently had no problems. Hmm, I say "Good luck with that." Maybe she seemingly realized she would have cheated on her "killer" boyfriend if she'd have met up with him. Who knows, maybe her boyfriend just talked some sense into her. Anyways, life without him has honestly been pretty relaxing. But, just the thought of him, or the bringing up of his name causes my chest to sick into my tummy.

I'm scared to move. All Alone. I'm scared I won't meet anyone like me at my new school. People in Georgia are...quite different. They have a really good music scene there, but only in ATL now, so I've heard.

I've come to find that surrounding myself with positive people and listening to dance music causes me to have overwhelming joy. But I have a tenancy to sit around and dwell in my sadness, stay home alone, and listen to sad music. So obviously, I need to change that. And I'm working on it.

I actually hung out with Bethany yesterday with My brother and sister, and it was fun. We saw a movie, Ghost of Girlfriends past...I actually learned a lot from it. I don't think I'm going to date for a while. I mean, if I'm blogging about my past relationship, clearly, I'm not over it.
I think I'm going to start going to church more again. I went as much as I could, but it's so inconvenient for everyone to drive me on a Sunday. But I'm going to try going on Thursdays again...Until I leave anyways. I need it more than ever right now.

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