Monday, 28 September 2009


this has been the best weekend I've had in a long.....long time.


Wednesday, 23 September 2009


maybe I can change that to always.

Friday, 18 September 2009

Man Oh Man

I just got the sweeeeeeetest comment from someone I didn't expect to ! but, he talks to me a lot more now, it's probably not as awkward as it was before.....and I think he can agree. haha.
I miss my England friends so much! I cannot wait to see them again next summer:)

Woah, last night was crazy! that's all I gotta say. I left a lot of details out when I told James. haha. I'm not sure what's up with 27 year olds these days. hahahaahaha...

I get to See the Fall of Troy and Minus the Bear:) I'm so excited. that one, I'm going to FERSURE. people keep inviting me to go to concerts, and then I don't really know if I'm going. or I get mean mugged from their girl friends cause they talk to me a lot. about the show. and then they stop talking to me....cause of their girlfriend haha.

I get to see all my theatre friends perform in Almost, Maine tonight! I'm so excited! I think they'll do so well.

I am in such a good mood:)


Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Everything that I could ever need

Today started out the WORST!
but I have some amazing friends, and I couldn't ask for anything more.
boys make me so mad sometimes !
it's like ya'll all secretly made a packed to do the same thing to meeee !
crack heads.

I talked to all my favorite people today!
I called Kelly also, and I feel better:)

Monday, 14 September 2009


This same thing happens over and over and over and over

...and over.
it's like when I don't try and it finally comes along, and then I try to keep it,...and I lose it.
how many times does this have to happen to me?
I know I've fucked up in the past but, really? how many times...does this have to happen.
this has been like the most miserable week I've had in such a long time.
I want to go home so bad and forget about all the bad things in my life and see my best friends again.
Jeffrey made me excited for that, he's good at cheering me up
So is Matt and Kelly.

someone, buy me a car.


Sunday, 13 September 2009

& I said, "I would try for you"

I miss having someone.
I miss my best friend.
I'm seriously going to start working out more.
I don't want the freshman 15:(
and I'm not talking about the band.
laundry takes way too long here.
some st00pid was trying to compete his music with mine, uh, lame.
Kanye is a meanbean for what he said to Taylor Swift! I would've cried.
I'm kinda mad at someone, but I guess I should take my brothers advice about it.
And Kelly told me what to do and how to handle it;) cause she is good at these things.
Only one class tomorrow, and then I'm photographing some head shots of Jeffrey and then going to walgreens to develop them:)
and I need to reserve a ticket for Almost, Maine. I'm excited to see all my friends preform:)
Ugh, I'm so angry I'm not in England to be there for Bethany.
Everyone always blows up at her all at once, and then she has no one to run to.
I wish I was there to give her a huge hug and tell her everything's going to be okay.
I miss club beyond and Dale's talks with us. He was always my favorite speaker.
I'm prayin' for Bethany.
Speaking of which, I've been reading the bible pretty much every night lately. It puts me in a better mood.
I wish I had someone.
I think about that all the time lately.


Saturday, 12 September 2009

Explosions in the Sky

It's 3:00 am, it's raining and I have no one to cuddle with. hmm.
I cannot wait till the 10th of October. I just found out someone from England that lives here now, know people that I have just recently met. This is such a small world.
I like the phrase "moo cow" that my cousin says. I makes me shmmile:)
I might be going to Florida to see A Day to Remember and I See Stars. Who knows though I guess.
I'm so afraid of change.
I sometimes wish things could be like they were before summer of 2008.
those were good times; those were happy times.
we were care free, and I miss that.
I'm so consumed with having this surreal mindset that....I honestly don't know how to describe or put into words.
I have changed.
What am I doing wrong?
I never feel as if I am good enough for the people I want to keep in my life.
I feel like all the wrong people go for me, and I go for all the wrong people.
maybe I don't, but I am bad at keeping them.
Kelly told me I will find someone, and I hope she is right.
I miss how things used to be,
but I'm glad things changed, I needed it.
I talked to Drew and John Cooper today! that made me pretty happy because I honestly can't usually carry on a good conversation with them, unless it's in person. John said he got quieter, which is weird to think about. I miss "Johndre" haha, they were always fun.
I am so sleepy now. I don't like sleeping alone. So I stay up until I just pass out.
which I think is about to happen.

sweet dreams,


:( I hope Kelly is right

Friday, 11 September 2009

Ever so sweet

I have not blogged in so long.
Well, from my last one, you know I'm obviously in Georgia. I've only seen Kelly once and I miss everyone in England so much. I just want to buy a plain ticket and have a giant party and give everyone bear hugs that last a long time. It makes me so sad. I try to keep listening to happy-ish songs to put me in a better mood but it isn't helping really. It ends up just building up and I just get really sad all at once. It's kinda hard to make legit friends here. I feel like I just follow around a lot of people and a lot of people just stare at me. I keep getting told that "you're attractive and cool, you should have no problem making friends" uh, hello? the way I look has NOTHING to do with my anxiety. :/ and one thing that bugs me the MOST is when people tell me I have no reason to get anixety...?! do you seriously think I can just turn of some sort of anxiety switch or something?! HA I wish. but no, sorry people.I just sounds kind of bitchy. but I'm just's not that easy. It's getting a bit better, but instead of getting anxiety attacks I just kinda get choked up and don't say anything to anyone, and then people just think I'm lame and don't talk. When I'm with Sydney and all them, I'm totally fine, and hanging out with Jeffrey and them is getting a lot better and not so awkward for me. I really enjoy hanging out with Jeffrey and Isaac they are so fun and entertaining to be around and never seize to amaze me, they are my favorite to be around.
OH! I met someone. I'm kind of afraid to like him. I guess if you know what situation I just came out'd know why. I'm ready though. I kind of like him. but....he's always busy and that makes me sad.
Speaking of which, I haven't talked to Bloo in a while, I think it's a good thing. In fact, I think it's a GREAT thing. He said something that kind of upset me, which is nothing new. I just haven't even attempted to talk to him since. (Y)
I miss having people I can talk to about everything. I feel like everyone here already has a best friend, and then when I try to get one, I get blown off or something.
I realized that the majority of the guys that go for me, I would nevvvverrrr go for. ha. I don't really know why I even typed that. but I just always think about that lately. I talked to Kelly about the guys I usually go for....funny conversation...>.<
I think it's hilarious how many people think Bethany and I are related or just look alike. it makes me think of how we used to hate! and I mean HATE! each other, and now I love her to death. I miss her a lot.
Ugh, I feel so inconveniently busy, I wish I could make videos with Juliana again:( I miss summer. I left at such a bad time.
I don't like it when random people ask for my number.
I want Verizon, it's bad to want, but I think I, and everyone who tries to text me and it doesn't work, could agree with me.
mm. I cuddled the other day. mm, I was so happy at that moment!
It's parents weekend, and I see all these parents and I can't see mine. I miss them so much, it makes my heart sad:(! my *says with a little kid English accent* DAAADDDAY (haha) is sending me a package! and I'm so excited to receive it.

hmm. I want someone to sing to me.


Tuesday, 11 August 2009


I'm in Georgia! I made it and I'm so excited to go to Valdosta! the plane ride was hell but I was checked out by like 1234676432365432 guys bahaha. My mum kept pointing them out. and then I got put next to a cute guy from wales:) on the second plane. I was like SCORE! bahaha. and then I watched some poor kid getting verbally annoyed by this creeper guy who looked like Seth from superbad. and then some other guy told him off for making a rude comment about his child. haha. it was all good fun.

I'm excited I get to see Kelly...
this whole time change thing is weird
this day is weird
this feels like I went on a really long vacation and am now home again
I'm freaking out man...

I miss England..

Friday, 7 August 2009


Finally came to a realization.
it's over, completely.

If my heart was a house..

you'de be home:)

I'm in such a good mood today:D! i don't even know why...
I just want to give everyone I see a huge hug
I'm pretty sure I get to see everyone tomorrow, that I want to see:)


Thursday, 6 August 2009

I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes

I'm sad I'm moving.

I spent the day with the lovely Karissa Mae today:)

why are boys so crazy.

all of you!


meh, I feel better though.
about him..

3 more days.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009


I've decided I am going to start creating a list of all the England people that have impacted me in some way or another. If you're not on here, Don't be offended. But don't ask me to put you on there. I might add on to it.

Juliana: I feel like we have been friends for such a long time but I've only been hanging out with you this summer. Making videos with you is so fun. And and I love that I don't feel like such a stalker because you're just as nosy as I am. :] You are the only person I know that takes just as long as me to get ready, and wears just as much makeup and hairspray as I do, if not more. I love that we have so much in common and I always have fun when I'm with you. Even if we're both feeling like complete crap from stay awake so long and only having Amp in our system..haha. "energy drink hangovers." You got me hooked on A Day To Remember and their lyrics and how perfect they are for my situation. I am going miss our 12 am jogs, and talking southern at dominoes to PIOTR or however you spell it. And eating breakfast and being super lazy. Stealing hats from the sausage fest! you hiding under the table because you couldn't stop moving around. burning the voice box in the sponge bob balloon. and inhaling the helium and making videos "my name is Ron Weasley and my mum's a BABY MAKIN' MACHAYYYYNNNEEE!" NEVER GETTING PIZZA FROM THE LITTLE LAKENHEATH PLACE till your mum got it for us bahaha. STREAKING! and then needing to pee really bad so we failed. what happened at your house that we will never tell anyone about and it so embarassing to me but it's really funny at the same time;D this is going to suck not having you around. I really hope I get to see you again. I am going to miss you so much:(

Bloo: Wow. So much to say about you. I remember when got off the shuttle from the airport, and your dad was there. I found the stupidest joke book in your car. The jokes weren't even funny and my brother and I were saying he must have some pretty lame kids, or they're just too young to know that those joke were so lame. Little did I know, YOU were his son. ha. I remember seeing you with Chaz and Buffy at the Bob hope and I felt so gross cause I always feel like I need to shower after I get off a plane, and you walked by and I put my hood on and looked the opposite way so you wouldn't notice me. I remember you talking so loud on the bus every day for the first week. You would always say you were emo even though you were scene. And talk about how excited you were to meet "new hot girls" And no one really talked to me at school. And that Friday when you guys said something along the lines of "if you're cool come to the back of the bus" and my brother ran back there....and so I felt obligated to do the same. I was so quiet though, I was so scared to talk. And I was fed up with my brothers bullshit stories about everything, trying to sound cool. Buffy invited us to her house. And really we just ended up hanging out. You stole the electric sign for me, that I still have. We both didn't want my brother to be there. And then the first day I ate lunch with you I walked off cause you guys weren't talking to me and I felt awkward. And you thought I was mad at you. I remember the first time I met your mother.....CLAYTON! ha. and all the times at the tlf park. Chillin at buffy's house. all those times on that nastey aids mattress. haha. you brought sheets for me to lay on:) It was always so cold in there and I jus loved laying with you. The first time we got caught! I couldn't see you for forever and it was the saddest thing. All over our inside jokes. we had so many. And they never got old. the *Tolly Cobbold* one still makes me happy. And every t ime I watch family guy I think of BOOM, SHAKA LAKA.......BOOM. :) The Brandon house..even though my parents were on the verge of divorce it was still the happiest time I ever had with you. You didn't ever want me taking pictures of you so you just curled up in my blanket and hid from the camera. When we went to new market for the first time and you acted gay so that girls wouldn't look at you like a piece of meat.:) I LOVE CLAIRE'S! All the jeans and T-shirts you stole from me/told me to give them to you, and then told me that you felt like a girl. haha nice. All the times in my bed, weather that sounds bad or not. It was only place I ever wanted to be with you. it made me so happy all the time. It would always bug me though because I would make my bed. And it takes me so long to make it, and by the time you would leave everything would end up everywhere ha. So, I just stopped caring how my room looked. So did you ha. You tried forcing me to watch starwars. haha We never did end up watching it...:) I do realize that we fought a lot but I'm willing to look past all the bad times. I am happy I spent the past two years with you. Even if you regret it, and wish you spent it with your friends instead.I'm sorry for everything. It was fun while it lasted, and I hope you're happy with what your decision.

Karissa: You are such a blessing to the world. no matter if everything is going wrong in your life you still seem to stay positive and I admire that so much. You have helped me through one of the worst times in my life. I am so thankful to have someone like you in my life and I hope that we keep in contact because i'm always going to need someone like you. And you said "I'm like your eyeshadow, I'll always be there." haha I love you.

Betsy: You are so interesting. You are so mature for how young you are. You and your brother are truly the coolest siblings I know. You are the most amazing ginger I've ever met. I'm glad I met you in freshman PE. I felt so awkward and you and Britta were the only ones that talked to me. You are so easy to talk to and I love your style. Golf was the best<3

Britta: I'm also glad that I met you. You are also a lot more mature than your age. I have never seen someone text so much. I loved having you in chemistry while we cheated on everything together. ha. I'm going to miss golf next year with you guys but I'm sure it'll still be fun! just try not to ditch practice;)

Goober/Brandon: I'm happy that even though you've already moved, we still keep in touch. I'm sorry that I tried making you go on all the rides at Thorpe. You missed out though! thank you for being my bus buddy for all the senior activities that I felt awkward being a part of because I didn't really talk to many seniors. And all the ones I did talk to, had gf's or bf's lame. lolz. You are always so random and chill and I love that. You always want to steal my clothes, and that's kind of creepy but it's okay cause I love you still.

Candace: You are so much fun to be around! I can't believe we never met before Juliana's party! ha I wish we would've because you are so much fun. We are more alike than I thought we would be.

Bethany: WOW. our relationship went from hating each other and barely knowing each other to liking each other sort of and then hating each other and then to loving each other. haha. We have a lot in common. And we are going through a lot of the same situations. I'm glad I finally became friends with you because you have helped me with so much. I feel so blessed to have a person like you in my life. You really deserve more than you receive. I hope that every things goes well with Cody. I know how hard it is...But, you are such a good person and you don't need to be hurt. Make sure that you live it up in high school with no regrets. You're really fun to be around so I don't think you'll have any problems with that.:)

Drew: DREWWWW I actually cried saying good bye to you. You are so easy to talk to about things. You are the best drummer I have ever heard in my LIFE. I hope that you pursue that as a career, and I will be happy to say that I knew you once:) ha I hope I get to see you next summer since I missed you coming home by like 2 days! unbelievable. I hope you find a girl that doesn't fuck you over because you are a really nice guy and you deserve a lot<3

Josiah: Josiah Joyce.....You are very inspirational. I'm happy I finally met someone that likes all the music that I like. I love the way you dress. and the fact that you NEVER changed, like everyone else did. You are so talented and You will definitely get far in life. You will be missed.

Jonathan: You were the first person to talk to me on the first day of school, my junior year. That is actually a big deal for me, because NO ONE talked to me that entire day, except you. You asked if I was new and I asked how you knew that I was, and you said you could just tell. You are so sweet all the time. You always waved to me, and I felt so happy that I had a friend, And even though your creep ass stayed in the room while I was crying and changing on the night of the fight at chucks, I still forgive you because you were drunk and out of it. haha. You were there for me a lot and you told me I deserved so much better and I was surprised and so embarrassed because all my makeup was rubbing off and you said I looked beautiful anyways. You mean a lot to me, and even though you are so far away, I hope I get to see you again because you are a really amazing friend.

Andre: Andre! I'm so happy that you invited me to lunch with you and Karissa on my birthday because that was one of the best things anyone could have ever done. I was going through such a rough time and you helped me out a lot. That was a really good birthday and I have you to thank for that. Although the very last bit was pretty emotional but it's alright, you were there for me:) and I really appreciate that. I remember our wrestle fights and pillow fights, they were so violent! but so fun. I miss them, they were a super good work out ! bahaha. I'm going to miss you and your optimism.

John: John c00psterrrr You are something. We obviously went through a lot but in such a short amount of time. I know, like Andre said "it takes two to tango" but I always feel a need to apologize to you. But, besides all that. You are always a lot of fun to be around:) because you are just in a good mood all the time. You are very inspirational when it comes to learning about God. And you are nothing like your brother. I remember how mad you got when someone told you were were like him. But you aren't. Like I said about Andre, our wrestle fights were always super fun. I got hurt most of the time but it was still fun. It's so funny to listen to you argue because you are so good at it. It's a shame that we never talk anymore, but I hope that everything goes well with you.

Kaleb: KALEB! your hair r00lz and you are so nice. You are the only guy I know that is like legit. sweet all the time, 24/7. I'm happy that I know you, because it lets me know that there is hope in this world. I am so embarrassed about what happened at Juliana's that night:( it was pretty funny though.

Paloma: You are so fun to be around! I'm always in a better mood when I'm with you and I'm happy that I have some one in my life who is always so happy even when something goes wrong.

Brad: B-RADDDDD! you are steeze. you can finally say it now since i'm leaving. STEEZE! bahaha. I'm going to miss you and your conceitedness.

David: Wow you are the sweetest person in the world. you are so nice all the time. I'm talkin' GENUINE niceness. none of that fake shit. I can tell you anything and not feel ashamed. I can talk black to you and you make me feel cool when I do it. You always complement me. I'm happy I know you, I just wish we could have known each other better.


Why do I even care, it's not like you do.....:|

I'm excited to see Betsy again. I get to hang out with her on Friday, I think Britta will be there too. I'm not really positive. I never ever get to see them because they're always so busy. This is the last itme. I have 6 more days here. I'm actually quite sad that I'm leaving. I feel like I grew up here even though it was only two years. I feel like I've known everyone here for so long, and yet time flew by so fast. I remeber every detail of everything the first week I was here and now everything is so different and it's my last week. I'm happy to go back. but this is going to suck. I know anxiety is going to hit me like a big yellow bus as soon as I get there. I saw picture of the dorms on facebook. They're okay I guess. they don't look comfy or homey at all:( I don't like wood floors ugh. I feel like i'm being picky. but oh well I guess. it's my home for the next year and I'm going to have to deal with it. It's a really pretty campus though. It looks ginormous:0
and I'm going to have to walk everywhere. I'm going to be super fit ha. It's going to be weird though, everyone will be trying to settle in and basically I'm going to get there put my shit down and leave. ha. I'm going to try to bring a bunch of posters and stuff to put up so it doesn't look so boring and dull. I hate white rooms. Like mine now for instance. but it's alright. I'll deal. I'm excited to meet new people:] college people seem to be more outgoing. aaah.
this is all so crazy. I can't believe I'm going to college. I keep talking to all these people from Georgia that I haven't talked to in so long. This all feels like a dream. and some nights, even a nightmare. speaking of which, I can never sleep anymore. I think it's pretty obvious why but it sucks. I really sleep MAYBE tops, about 5 hours a night. ugh. I need a boyfriend. ughh. :(

6 more mo' fuckin' days SON.

Monday, 3 August 2009

I wish

I wish we could be on good terms.

I hate that this is all I keep thinking about.

I feel a bit better, I just skyped with my besfraaan<3

6 more days.

Sunday, 2 August 2009

The Truth

I want to leave. Everything that used to make me so happy, now makes me want to crawl under the covers and cry. I love that I am becoming so close to people, except now I have to leave. I want to leave, but I don't.

I wish people didn't have to make things so difficult. I care so much and all you want to do is make me mad. You complain that I'm mad all the time and apologize for pissing me off so much. And then you go and do and TRY to make things worse. It's really just making me reminisce how different of a person you were. I remember the first time I hung out with you without your friends. My brother was there to make it awkward and we both wished he wasn't. It was just us, and you were so sweet and innocent. I may have made mistakes, but I am still the same person. It's a shame how differently we view each other from how we used to. I will always remember you as how you were. I wish you would do the same. You could do whatever you want to to hurt me, and I would still want you in my life. You told me I would always be yours, somehow or another. I feel like you didn't keep your promise.

"the truth is you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"

7 More days.


is that really necessary?
the answer to that would be no.

this is our adventure

this is Juliana and I singing Boats and birds.

and this is us being ourselves....ha.

8 more days.

Saturday, 1 August 2009

Still Alive

Everything is getting to be so much easier.
I am at Juliana's and have only acquired two hours of sleep. it's 10:19 in the morning and I'm doing okay. Last night was fun, time flew by so fast. First we made a video, and then Brad showed up and we went back to Juliana's. We took pictures. We made another video. We went back to her house again. The we were invited over to a sausage fest at Austin's house, haha. There were so many guys....It was kind of fun though:]. We sort of stole Marcus and Tim's hats, and took pictures with them. We ended up getting kicked out of his house, and then Juliana was really paranoid cause we kind of snuck out. It was like 3 in the morning though. It was fun:] We came back to her house and edited one of the movies. I'm still working on the other one. I might stay the night again;D

9 more days.

Thursday, 30 July 2009


I thought for a second I wasn't going to be able to see my muffins! Kelly and Todd. BUT, everything is fixed now:] I have to leave the 10th now though. To London, DC, ATL, Peachtree City, Valdosta, WARTOWN:D then back to Valdosta. But it's alright, as long as I get there. I'm happy.

I just received the list of things I should bring when I get to VSU. I can't bring half the stuff cause I will only have a we have to buy it all when we get there. I have to get a lot of stuff sent to me too. I am so excited:D everyone there looks so old though. I think it might just be seniors in the pictures though. I hope. I feel like I look like a kid compared to them. I'm excited I get to see family too. I haven't seen them in just as long. Wow, I'm still shocked I'm going back. I've changed a lot.

I think Georgia just makes me happier:]


I am soooo excited to go to Georgia and see Kelly and Todd. I miss them both so much. I know I'm going to miss it here but, I'm coming back next summer:]
This summer has been good.
I had an amazing time here, even if the person I mostly spent my time here with doesn't want to even talk to me anymore.
it's okay though, we all make some bad decisions in our lives. I really loved it here, as much as I complained about the weather.
But, it's time to move on.
I am so ready.

I just watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There's hope for me<3
One of things I'm most excited about now is being able to find someone new.
Hopefully it won't be like before when I tried moving on;
"like trying on a new pair of shoes that you really want but they just don't fit"
I'm sure I'll find someone who fits:]
instead of running back to what used to make me happy.

I'm ready.
I'm ready so don't stop oh oh oh oh OH oh...
haha, Jack's Mannequin.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009


I just posted the previous post.
but I always feel so good after I write everything down.
SO I thought maybe I should type up a post that is a happy one.

I am so happy that Bethany and I are friends. She helps me through so much and I am so thankful to have her in my life. I think we both had a lot of maturing to do. I feel like I'm losing a lot of my old friends while I am gaining so many. I feel like I don't get to see the ones I thought it would get to see the most. It's okay though. I am happy with the way things are going in my life right now. I wish guys didn't screw over Juliana all the time, she is amazing and she deserves someone just as amazing:] I am excited for this weekend. I get to hang out with Karissa and then Juliana:]
I am happy I am moving though, in fact, SO happy. I'm kinda mad I won't have a car but I'm sure I can bum rides off people. I am glad I get to come back one last time though, next summer. My dad retires on his birthday, so I will get to see all my friends again. I am so excited to see Kelly:] I don't think I could even describe how happy I am. I'm kind of afraid everything will be so different, that I won't be able to recognize. I think I'll be fine though, I am so ready for change.
So, since Italy, my Ipod is shit. so I've have to convert all kinds of music from my home computer to my laptop using a zip drive...but it has let me discover lots of music that I illegally downloaded and not payed any attention to. I am enjoying it thoroughly. ha. I feel so much better. I just want to give someone a huge hug. :]

The Choice

So, it was either;
stay and be continually reminded of the things I've done wrong so that I would never do it again, while he is off with other girls and I'm just patiently waiting on him to be done so that I know how it feels. Which I find quite strange, why would you do the same thing that hurt you the most, to someone else? OR Leave, and find someone new, start over.

I do care a lot about him. But I also don't need that. I can't really say what I am deserving of. But I will not let myself be miserable. Yes, I made a mistake, A huge one, I have realized the consequences. But he made a huge mistake too, by making me choose. I think so anyways.

I chose leaving. I think I made the right decision. I'm not going to live a life of regret of something I did when I was single. Something that I wish every day that I could take back. He will maybe realize one day how much I do wish he wouldn't have done that.

I do hope that he finds someone nice, beautiful and that makes him happy. I've seen him when he is happy, and it's nice. I do hope he does. Even if that means I'm not the one making him happy.

I'm ready to move on...I think.
Maybe with time, but I am moving in a week.
shouldn't be too hard, right?

Tuesday, 28 July 2009


What is wrong with guys lately?
What is wrong with me lately?
I hate that he's saying he loves me but is basically telling me he's gonna be with other girls while he's gone. And he expects me to do the same with the guys in Georgia. Like, we are together, but he's like hey, feel free to cheat on me because I can't wait to have sex so I'll probably be doing the same? wtf. uhg. He knows how much that hurt him when I did it, why would he go and do it?

I was talking to Juliana and she asked me why she still wants someone after they've hurt her so badly. I didn't even know how to answer. why is that?:[ Why is it that I have to fight for someone so hard, because I messed up ONCE when I wasn't even dating him, and he's hurt me numerous times and I've taken him back...Of coarse I lied to him while I was dating him, but that was because I was truly afraid to tell him. I realize what I did was horrible but I hate it because he makes it sounds like he has never done anything to me. He continues, even to this day, to say that he wishes I would've told him sooner so that he could be over be by now.:/ That makes it sound like he doesn't want me. And he told me he doesn't want me to be over him. I AM SO CONFUSED. Maybe it's just his craving. He wants me to want him even if he doesn't want me. I told him why I still loved him. All he said was thank you? How do I know if he even really loves me anymore...I feel like I'm the only one trying in this.

blah. I let everything get to me.
I need to stop.
because it only makes me feel worse.
this whole situation is just a confidence killer.

don't like the gross face I'm making stop you from clicking play...

That's Juliana and I. It took us 5 hours to film and edit this. It's completely random..enjoy.

So, I went to church. And idk. It makes me mad, it's almost like they're trying to scare you into believing. I'm like:/ what? I don't really like going anymore. I can believe in God and not go to church. The only thing I'm afraid of is becoming distant. I don't really understand their methods of "outreach" either....let's do a bunch of obstacles and races and bring your friends who don't come to church usually, because it'll make them want to come...?uhm. what does it have to do with church. Club games are too violent anyways. meeh.

I'm finally moving here shortly. 11 MORE DAYS. I'm sad but excited. England doesn't seem like my place anymore. I am so ready for change. I am so ready for new friends, and to get out of here. I will miss England A LOT, I know I will. but I'm ready to move on with my life.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009


So I talked to him.
Apparently Raven is telling people I'm pregnant? I am definitely not. Of coarse it's probably one of her failed stunts to create attention. Although, maybe she will realize one day, it's only creating negative attention. Bloo needed to know the truth after he heard about that. I thought maybe he would have something more to say. Turns out he did; More rubbing it in my face of things I've done wrong. I think maybe he finally realized how bad I feel about it, and how miserable I have been since he's left. He said he had to go, and that he'd be back in a second. That second has turned into two days. I don't blame him, although Goober is on the same time frame, I talk to him all the time, but Bloo doesn't have his own computer. I feel like he might have been the one. That almost sounds crazy, in fact I know it does. But I'm still having trouble picturing myself without him. I guess it's my fault. It's both of our faults. I don't even know how I'm coping now. Everyday just gets harder and harder. I'm sure I'll be fine eventually. Who knows what the future holds for me.

On the bright, yet, dim side I've had some quite lovely evenings lately. Getting my mind off things is easily done when I'm with my friends. In fact, when I'm with people I barely know also. I'm not as shy anymore, and that makes me happy. What I'm afraid of, is what happened when I moved here, to happen when I move to Georgia. I turned into a completely different person, I was so shy all the time and I was so quiet. I think the amount of curious people caused me to feel overwhelmed.

I am so annoyed with guys hitting on me. Can we not just be friends, PLEASE?! Don't complain because I turned you down, I'm not going to date you or even try to get to know you like that if I'm clearly not over my ex. Not again, I can't. I'm not even ready for anything like that.

Speaking of ex's, my ex from Georgia?.... is trying to get me to hang out with him so we can catch up. Uhmm, not thinking that's a good idea at all.

hm. I wish things were different.

Sunday, 19 July 2009


Someone finally gave me good advice.
I feel good.
I'm not going to keep dwelling on the past, and waiting for something to happen that wont.
I will be happy again.
I will.
I think I'm going to go to church on Thursday.

Saturday, 18 July 2009

There is

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where i laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there someone out there who feels just like me
There is
Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that There's someone out there who feels just like me
There is
Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is.

that almost explains it exactly.

I went to Juliana's with Candace also.
It was really fun, and I easily took my mind off of things.
by doing this:

I hate the way Mitchell Davis looks like now.
I'm in a very awkward mood today.
I worked out for the first time In forever.
I didn't realize how often my mother gossips till today.
Dear, PostSecret...hurry up and be Sunday, already.

Friday, 17 July 2009

If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky

I always wanted to have a blog, but I was never motivated enough to do it. So, maybe this will help.

The future scares me. I'm scared that I'll never fall in love again. In my four years of high school, I've been in two serious relationships. You'd think that that somehow they would be different, but the exact same thing happened both times. It's so strange how things panned out the way they did. both of them started out just fine and then about a year in they went after their ex-girlfriends. After that, we were one of those "on and off" couples. The ones that everyone pretends to understand, and acts like they know exactly how you feel when your talking about your problems. But really, you can tell deep down in their eyes that everything your saying is just scaring them into thinking that love is horrible and makes them want to be single. Unless of coarse you're speaking to someone who is actually in an "on and off" relationship, and they can actually relate. And one of the "offs" both of you try your hardest to move on, and then end up hurting a lot of people and losing a lot of your friends, because they can't decide if they should be friends with you, or him. And if you listen to him whine and complain enough you start to think it's all my fault, and that this "on and off" business is ALL my doing. Well, if you listen to my side of the story for at least five minutes, you'd know it wasn't all me. Anyways, we slowly fall apart and then one of us moves away. I believe it's quite strange to have happened twice? To think it could be me? Possibly cause a bad mixture of unfortunate events [I.E: depression, psycho cousin moved in with us-which only happened the 2nd relationship-, he started talking to his ex-girlfriend as more than a friend, built up disagreements...etc.] He hatefully told me that if it happens a third time, "We know what the problem is." Total confidence killer. And apparently he's happily moving on and trying to move in with Miss Ex-girlfriend who cheated on him numerous times and left him stranded[well, with his parents..] in an airport in South Carolina, because they apparently had no problems. Hmm, I say "Good luck with that." Maybe she seemingly realized she would have cheated on her "killer" boyfriend if she'd have met up with him. Who knows, maybe her boyfriend just talked some sense into her. Anyways, life without him has honestly been pretty relaxing. But, just the thought of him, or the bringing up of his name causes my chest to sick into my tummy.

I'm scared to move. All Alone. I'm scared I won't meet anyone like me at my new school. People in Georgia are...quite different. They have a really good music scene there, but only in ATL now, so I've heard.

I've come to find that surrounding myself with positive people and listening to dance music causes me to have overwhelming joy. But I have a tenancy to sit around and dwell in my sadness, stay home alone, and listen to sad music. So obviously, I need to change that. And I'm working on it.

I actually hung out with Bethany yesterday with My brother and sister, and it was fun. We saw a movie, Ghost of Girlfriends past...I actually learned a lot from it. I don't think I'm going to date for a while. I mean, if I'm blogging about my past relationship, clearly, I'm not over it.
I think I'm going to start going to church more again. I went as much as I could, but it's so inconvenient for everyone to drive me on a Sunday. But I'm going to try going on Thursdays again...Until I leave anyways. I need it more than ever right now.

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